Quiet in the House

Doug and Kate have gone to California. John is out and it is very very quiet here and I am hating the quietness.

I keep thinking about those 5 girls in Fairport who died in that awful car crash and then I think about Jeff and think "Shouldn't I be thankful that he didn't die that way?" But the reality is -- i still can't believe that he is dead and i hate that he is.

Sometimes I can see Jeff around me and I feel comforted, but most of the time I feel his absence and it hurts incredibly to feel that absence.

I tried to start a facebook entry, but realized that that is not the right mode for me in that I have to write more than read. But I would like to read. I think all I have to hold onto are the memories I have and others have of Jeff and the signs of Jeff around us.

I have to say something about Jeff - he was a great hugger and he owes that ability to his Mom. When he was very little I would ask him to give me a hug and he would do so and it would be such a whimpie hug. I would say to him, "Jeff, a bear hug. A good bear hug, Jeff". And he would hug me ever so tight. He came up from behind. AND SOMETIMES, the past few months, he would come up from behind and just lift me up ever so much. I loved it.

The other thing that John and I loved was the way he snunk up on you. On the one hand, Jeff demanded of us respect for him as a young adult -- but so often he would do something that was so cute and made me think of him as a little boy. One such thing was he constantly, he did this a month or so before he died, sneak up on you and say "boo" and nine times out of ten he would indeed scare you.

And the tire swing, He loved to be pushed on the tire swing. So when Mark came to visit with Cathy and Don recently for Doug's graduation, when he asked if someone could push him, I was thrilled to do so.

Doug's graduation was great. I am so very very proud of doug. I will enter a picture here when I figure out how to do so.

But Jeff wasn't at Doug's graduation. Lauren was. Jeff wasn't. And when I saw Lauren at the graduation so dressed up and looking that much older, I just thought of Jeff and how much he loved her and how he would want to sit beside her for his brother's graduation.

Jeffie, I love and miss you so.

Mom

PS I need a bear hug right about now.