Rollercoaster

This weekend has been incredible. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster at Darien Lake.

Friday night was difficult given my experience with Nancy, my boss, that day. Saturday was good -- got done a lot. Felt on a even keel. I talked to Jody today. It still amazes me that she continues to survive the suicide death of her only son. Both she and her husband are workaholics. Maybe that is the key to this survival thing.

I went to Wegmans this evening and thought I was doing well...which I was actually. As I left, I ran into the mom of a good friend of Jeff's. I like her quite a bit. Her son and Jeff tried out for JV and had to pass a physical in order to be allowed to play. I remember how excited they both were to be playing on JV before the other kids their age. Kathi asked me how I was doing -- to which I reply -- good...quite good. Which was the truth at the time. When I got into my car after putting my groceries in it, I felt like a huge veil had dropped down in front of me -- in between me and the rest of the world. I thought about her son -- I wondered what he looked like and what he was up to. And I thought about mine --the one that was supposed to be the same age as her son. And I felt furious.

When I got home and put away all of the groceries, I did what I had wanted to do off and one for quite some time now. I stood at the top of the stairs and broke every glass plate, cup, vase, beer bottle I could get my hands on. It felt good -- I did this with such velocity that I damaged the tile on the floor. The glass splattered ever which way. And I felt like I could continue it for the rest of my life. Too bad I ran out of stuff to toss.

I simply don't understand how life can be this way. I don't understand how Jody's only son at the age of 20 could have hung himself. Jody and Steven were the model parents for Jim and I. I don't understand how we lived through Jeff's scare with cancer to have him drop dead three weeks later. I don't understand why Kathi's son gets to be checking out schools right now for college and I get to be tossing out everything related to college that I had kept from Doug's search thinking I would need it for Jeff's.

Helen said to me several weeks ago that there is no relationship between God and justice.

I go around and around and around. I am so fortunate to have a job, a beautiful son at Nazareth, a man I love, friends who have walked beside me throughout this horrendous experience and continue to do so -- despite how torn up it must make them feel to watch me self-destruct at times. I am continuing to live. But even that is not just. Why me -- when Jeff is dead?

I ask the same questions. I continue on. I laugh. I have fun. I go to the gym. I eat. I sleep. Life goes on... without Jeff and it is such a travesty.