John, Elaine, Peggy, Cath and so many more

I am so blessed having John in my life.

Last week, at church, was hard. It was "all soul's day" and there was much conversation about the saints, with a small "s", who had "gone before us". Of course I thought of Jeff the entire time and I thought of the funeral and I could recall like it was yesterday seeing all of those people there in support of my beautiful blue eyed boy. Thinking of him as a saint is somewhat funny though as the last thing in the world Jeff reminds me of is a cherubim or seraphim.

Today, when we were at church, a young mother with a six month old was walking ahead of us at one point. I couldn't help but look at that child and think of Jeff and think of how when you have a child that small and are so "in love" with your child, you/I never could imagine the child not living past his 14th birthday.

I was thinking about Jeff tonite at dinner again. Jeff did a great imitation of Oliver saying "Please sir, can I have some more." He was the Artful Dodger in one school play and somehow somewhere he learn that phrase of Oliver's and said it perfectly. At dinner, he used to say this some time when he wanted "mowr".

So as I was singing Oliver tonite at the dinner table. I said to John, "you know ever time I sing that song I can't help but think of Jeff" ...to which he responded, "any time we breath we can't help but think of Jeff."

And I realized when John said that, how much he feels my pain and loss. And I realized that although Jeff's death is the absolute worse thing I have ever and will ever experience in my life -- that I don't feel like I am going through this pain alone.

At Strong the night he died, I felt surrounded by people who loved Jeff and loved us. I will never forgot the feeling of comfort seeing all those young men and their families in the waiting room the night Jeff died. Or having Elaine be in the room with Jim and Doug and I when the EMT and later the doctor came in to talk to us. Or having Peggy sit beside me as I sat with my head at Jeff's side that night that he died and was still being intibated. Or being with my sister Cathy the next night -- wide awake with Jeff being kept alive for the organ donation operation. We couldn't sleep so we asked the nurse if we could help her do anything and we stood together in the room folding clothes. And planning the tournament each year beside Dan whose kids/family I have known for so long - for as long as I known about lacrosse. Seeing Nell and Mary Ellen and Janet Vaughn that night as well together chatty quietly - waiting to help.

I hate that Jeff died. I wish so often that it had been me. But I am so very very fortunate that I was and continue to be surrounded by so many other souls who continue to care so much and are continuing to carry me through this.