Does Santa Claus still come?

When Mom first died, I had a difficult time celebrating Christmas...as I always thought of her around Christmas time. Mom went nuts over Christmas -- the decorations came out right after Thanksgiving --those little wreaths on the window, and the single candles...and the little do dads -- and the santa night light -- and the big bell hung up in the hallway with the mistletoe on it.

I stopped missing Mom really when the kids were young. It was my time to get into the spirit...and I did -- although not with as many decorations as my mom had. I have so many memories of the kids and Christmas -- seeing Santa as the mall, going Christmas tree shopping...I can still remember the look of amazement that Jeff had on his face the last Christmas that he was alive. 2006. He had asked for a Xbox 360 which was way too much money for me to spend on him. So Jim and I talked and we decided to go in together for it and get it for him. He knew it was too expensive for me to get him -- I told him that. And I told him therefore he wasn't getting it. I wasn't speaking to Jim around that time -- but we did manage to agree to together buy this Christmas gift Jeff wanted ever so much. His eyes were huge when he opened it that morning. He kept on repeating "I can't believe Mom that you and Dad TOGETHER bought me the XBox 360!" He was so happy - ecstatic really.

Jeff brought the Christmas spirit into his life every single day. I never saw him in a bad mood. Not that he didn't get angry...it is just that it came and went and then he was back to his normal self...loving the world and thinking that the world was so very lucky to have someone like him in it! So cocky -- he was...but never mean spirited...so full of energy...so full of love...so full of passion about everyone and everything.

So I am sitting here and it is a little over a week before Christmas 2010. And I am so happy to be in good health (no aneurysms for me -- at least not now -- not in sight). And I know I am blessed to have Doug in my life. He made me so proud of him today with how well he did this semester at school.

But the pure joy I once had -- Santa Claus in my life -- has vanished.

And I could handle that ok -- but the hole in my gut right now -- and the craving I have for my son Jeff -- just once more, to see his beautiful blue eyes...to hear his laugh...or even see him punch his brother hard even...

The bell isn't ringing any more for me. And I don't believe after all those years of believing.