Normalcy

I feel compelled to write something upbeat for this blog as I was the one who got up in front of all of those people at Jeff's funeral pronouncing my strong belief in God and in Jeff's spirit or soul among us.

I simply don't feel upbeat. About my beliefs, I don't feel any different than I did that Tuesday after Jeff died, when I stood up in front of all those people proclaiming my beliefs. It is just that all too often these days my beliefs just don't matter.

On that Tuesday, saying what I said made me feel better - and those beliefs that I have continue to be something important that I feel -- but having those beliefs simply does not mask or take away any of the pain of Jeff's death. I wish it were so.

Up until three months ago - my time at home was spent attending the boys' lacrosse games and driving Jeff to friends and helping him entertain his friends at home among other things. Not that I didn't have my own interests and my own friends. It was just that the center of my activities surrounded my kids. Keeping track of Doug and checking in with him and vice versa and being a large part of Jeff's life. I argued with Jeff. I laughed with Jeff. Jeff was much more spirited than Doug or John or I (and even Cosby). There was always friendly banter/commotion in the house when Jeff was in it, and if there wasn't because the kids weren't home, well I took advantage of the down time and simultaneously awaited the kids' arrival home.

"Forced normalcy" in my life - that is what I am dealing with right now. I have been told to volunteer, get busy with other things, but the fact of the matter is when I come home from volunteering or a week away or a hike or a movie, Jeff, my 15 year old son, just isn't here any more. And I hate that more than anything.

And I can't be upbeat.

I am supposed to be watching Jeff play Blaze lacrosse and be a middie this summer. He tried out for Blaze and made it. I am supposed to be driving him to work and back cuz he was all set on getting a job with James. I am supposed to be grumbling about how late he stays over at Lauren's at night 'cuz I have to go to work the next day even if he doesn't have school to go to. So I have to be in bed at a decent time. I am supposed to be telling him that he shouldn't be playing Halo or World of Warcraft as much and that he is supposed to be reading 2 or 3 hours each day BEFORE he plays computer games or has "screen time". I am supposed to be taking him to Bruggers to "talk" about what the summer rules are and how he has to do the chores I write down for him each day, plus read, plus play the trumpet before he does other things.

This is my "normal" summer.

And it is gone. And I hate what is in its place right now.

And I miss Jeffrey so.