Flowers, dogs, August and school

I found a couple of good ways to feel Jeff's presence. First and foremost, I got a tattoo. I thought about getting a tattoo about 10 years ago - but never acted on it. After Jeff died, I checked out a tattoo artist for the team - when they were going to get one in Jeff's memory. And while I was doing that, I decided that I wanted to get one. Not one like the guys were thinking, but one just for me and Jeff. So I got it - it's on my hip. It was created from a picture I saw in a card I got of a glowing heart in the sky -- on the heart is a kokopelli (god of mischief) playing a trumpet (kokopelli usually plays a flute). I love it. I had it designed by a guy I met through a woman at work -- who was a wonderfully colorful young man. He works out of his basement. And has long hair and an earing. And while I was having it done - as I am laying on this massage table -- and he is working on my hip creating it -- I had this wonderful image. It was of Jeff smiling down on me from above and him saying "Good for you, Mom!" And it just made me laugh a lot. Cuz I know I never would have done that without Jeff edging me on.

I go to the cemetary every day and I really like it there cuz I feel closer to Jeff there and more like I can talk to him. Maggie came to visit from Chicago and she planted some flowere there. Nell came and put a statue of a dog on it. And then the kids came and put some things --notes, a lacrosse ball, stuff like that. Linda and John (my brother) came to visit me and in an area in the back yard they started a garden in Jeff's memory. Linda planted some, and so did Betty, my friend from St. Louis. My siblings bought me this wonderful bird bath for Mother's Day and it looks great in the middle of the garden.

Some moments - more moments than initially -- are ok. Some are even good. But the ones that hurt seem to cut into me like a jagged piece of glass. My big fear is losing the memories I have of Jeff as it gets further from his death as that is all I have to hold onto.

Doug is off to school August 23rd and I am petrified of being in the house alone -- Jeff's absence will be that much more sorely felt. I think growing up in a family of 5 a bustling house provides me with a sense of equilibrium. But I am so very very excited about Doug and his friends starting college. They are incredible men. Steve V and T and Jason F. left a beautiful bouquet at the doorstep the other day and made me feel incredibly good. I spoke to several moms this week whose sons had died and they spoke about how they see their sons' friends often and I hope and pray that this is the case with Jeff's friends and the guys on the Lacrosse team. What will I do with the love I have for Jeff? I don't know.

I read the Medical Examiners report last night and I skimmed it so it won't be as painful as I anticipated it being. I can't stand the thought of someone examining Jeff's body after he is dead to understand the state it was in but I am so glad that the report confirmed that Jeff died of natural causes - a ruptured aneurysm. I read last night that the 40-75% of individuals die from a ruptured aneurym and of the survivors half of them have permanent brain injury. The only thing worse than Jeff dying is the thought of Jeff, who was so full of zest and enthusiasm for life and every minute of it - having permanent brain injury.

I love you Jeff. More than a million universes. More than infinity.

I still need signs. as does Doug and John and Dad and your friends. You have no idea who huge an impact you have had on people's lives.