Halloween and the week after

The past week and a half have been especially difficult.
The start of the "holiday season"
Halloween
Halloween came and went without Jeff. I love Halloween. So did Jeff.

Several years ago, when Jeff was of age to go alone with Austin and friends - but us parents all knew that it was highly likely that they would get into trouble if they did this -- I volunteered to go with them...crazy woman that I am. Well, it ended up I took about 15 kids around -- I think they were 13 -- and I was exhausted by the end. They started out with me and I waited behind knowing that they were embarrassed that I was with them. But the further we went the more ahead they got -- As I recall a couple of the girls stayed with me -- I think they were just being nice. I spent the entire evening yelling "Slow down, guys" until finally I just lost sight of them entirely. At which point I called Amy to inquire as to whether or not they were there and she had said that they left awhile ago and were continuing on their way. I ended up strolling down the side streets by myself -- praying that they didn't get into any trouble because none of the parents wanted them to go together but all of them thought it was ok if I was going with them....

How I wish that he were here for me to have gotten into a big argument about whether or not he was allowed to roam the streets alone or not -- just checking everything out he would have said...

I have to say that I continue to see signs of Jeff all around me. Most I keep between the two of us, some I share with Jon. I am so very lucky to have Jon in my life, Peggy, 'Laine, Nell and Mary Ellen my local sisters and so many other family and friends who continue to stick by me. The breadth of support has dropped off -- which was hard at first. In many ways the pain is getting worse. Day-to-day life without Jeffer feels awful -- the hole he left, initially, seemed small and semi deep but now if feels deeper and wider. But there are people around me who continue to help stop me from bleeding so badly -- making it possible for me for several days in a row now to feel stronger. I know it won't continue given Christmas without Jeffie -- but I will take feeling a bit stronger for an hour even -- never mind a number of them. And try to celebrate that strength and not look ahead.