At 6 months

October 11th was the six month anniversary of Jeff's death. It continues to be impossible at times for me to believe that Jeff is dead.

I feel like I should be able to talk about begining to be at peace with Jeff's death, but I don't see that ever happening. I have been told too frequently these days that with time things will improve. Would you tell this to a women who had her leg amputated? I think not.

I do feel strongly the love and support that continues to surround me/us.

I never thought that the love between John and I could get any stronger. I was wrong. Betty came again from St. Louis for a visit. Jody who I haven't seen in years will be arriving this Thursday night from Texas. Sista 'Laine has lunch with me every Friday. Nell and Tom -- who one year ago I thought of as merely "neighbors" -- have been there more often than I can count. Same for local Peggy and Mary Jo. New friends have entered my life -- my work colleagues have been so wonderful to me as has my blood family. Linda and Peggy and Maggie (Peggy's friend) together with Mary Ellen and 'Laine helped me plant bulbs several weeks ago. We planted in my garden at home (in Jeff's memory) as well as at Jeff's gravesite.

Jeff's gravesite -- how can I write,say or think that even?

I spoke to one of the "first responders" several weeks ago and learned the details of Jeff's death on the lacrosse field and the loving response of Coach Whipple and all the young men who were there when Jeff died. Oddly, it was something I needed to do -- as I needed to go back to the hospital to see where it was I last saw Jeff's body.

Last weekend, James and I went to see Doug play his first official college lax game -- true it was a scrimmage against Hobart and Colgate...but it looked like a real game to me. Doug played very well. I was so very happy that James was with me to see Doug play but it was heartbreaking to see James and Doug talking and know that Jeff should have been there as well. I know Jeff is so incredibly proud of Doug as are John, Jim and I. I know Jeff was there during the game. I just wish I could have seen him, touched him, heard him talk, see him clowning around such in the car with James that I had to reprimand him.

I talked to Helen about this new life I now lead. On April 11th at 4:15 p.m. I was grabbed completely unexpectedly from the path I knew and for the most part enjoyed walking on and dropped like a hot potato onto this new one. I deplore this new path. In fact, I don't think I was dropped on a path at all -- for now I am in the middle of a jungle. I hate being there. For the past 6 months I have been doing what Jeff did one day as I recall so vividly -- he had a screaming flailing fit in the middle aisle of Kay Bee toys when I told him we had to go. I am doing that exact thing while I am in the jungle. I am searching frantically for the old path so that I can continue going about my business as usual -- but the old path -- not only is it far from where I was dumped -- well it isn't even on this same planet.

So I try to focus on who is in the jungle with me and remember that although I am in the jungle I am not completely alone.