Post -Thanksgiving Day

So we went to Aunt Ellen's, Doug and I, for Thanksgiving dinner. And when we drove there, I kept on thinking about how many times when Doug was sleeping in the car on our trips to Massachusetts, that I would put my hand behind the seat, just to hold Jeff's. I started doing it when Jeffie was little. It was my way of making sure he was ok since I couldn't really see him. So I would tell him to just hold my hand so I would know that he was ok. Then when he got older, I just kept on doing it. It was our way of communicating - even when we weren't communicating.

So on my way to Peggy's, on my way to Boston on Tuesday, I did that a number of times and tried to imagine his hand in mine. But it just wasn't the same.

We got through Thanksgiving, Doug and I. I am not sure what Doug was thinking and feeling since he is a man of so few words. Me -- I was trying to turn off the fact that Jeff wasn't with us. And at moments it seems I was able to do so -- but at other times I was not.

My brother John said grace and began listing all that we were thankful for. The truth of the matter is that I know I am lucky and have much to be thankful for in general, but this year I don't feel grateful. I just feel angry. Because it just isn't right that Doug and I are here without Jeff. For the past 10-20 years I really began to get into Thanksgiving...use it as an opportunity to focus on the many things I was fortunate to have. And in some ways, I think in doing that, I felt that in some way, it would make me immune to bad things coming my way. I would be favored by God if I appreciated what I had. But it didn't work that way. And now, even though I am so very thanksful for my family and friends -- I don't feel any need to thank God for it...because this year has been the most painful one I can ever imagine -- seeming to wipe out all that I have ever ever been thankful for.

We are beginning the Christmas season and the whole left in my heart with Jeff's death seems to be growing with each tick of the clock. And I miss him so. And I have seen signs of his presence but right now, the day after the first Thanksgiving without Jeff, it just doesn't seem to matter.