Maureen

Tonite I got a phone call from Maureen. I don't know Maureen. She called from the Donor Network. (I know that I am supposed to feel happy that we donated Jeff's organs- but I don't feel much of anything. To be truthful, I don't like the thought of Jeff's organs being divied up by people I don't know, in an operating room, at Strong---- in fact, I find it disturbing really. I suspect I may feel differently some day but this is today. And my feelings about it today.) Maureen told me that there is one float in the Rose Bowl which will contain flowers representing all of the donors across the country and asked if I might be interested in writing a dedication for a flower in Jeff's name.

I love the idea. It makes me feel great - thinking of Jeff as a flower -- as I think he was a flower in my life and in so many other people's lives. When he came into the room, he lit it up. I never remember seeing him without some sort of a smile- even when he was smirking at me and saying "NEVER say that again, Mom! NEVER." This is why it is so very very hard to be in this house without him. When he was in the house, there was always a buzz. Now that he is gone, and Doug is back at school, I miss the buzz that much more.

But back to Maureen. Maureen's son died when he was 16 years old. Freak car accident. He was seriously injured for 5-6 days before they told her that he would be a vegetable if he continued living. She said the days provided her with time to adjust (prepare really)-- which I had none of.

You can never be prepared for the death of your child...actually, you can never be prepared for the death of any loved one.

When my mom died, I remembered thinking that no one had told me that this -- grief --experiencing death-- wasn't just an emotional thing. It was a physical thing as well. I had a hole in my heart and I knew it and could feel the "draft" if you may because of it. And I thought the hole was big then!!!

It seems- according to Maureen-- that you get better at living with the hole in your heart. But I can't help wondering why this hole must be there in my heart right now -- because it was my son who died at the age of 14. Fourteen years old!!

I have a file that says "Jeff's death" and it has things in it about the funeral and the cemetary and other things. And every single time I pass it it seems surreal -- just as unreal as the last time I passed it. How is it that those two words are together? How is it that last year at this time I would be trying to get Jeff to go to sleep. He would be in his room, goofing off. I would be in my room, trying to sleep. Doug might even be asleep already. And Jeff's radio would be too loud, again, cuz he always kept in on so he could go to sleep by it. And I would be yelling out --my guess is he never even heard me cuz his room is down the hall -- saying "Jeff, can you turn it down, I am trying to sleep!" God, I would do anything to get that time back.

Maureen dedicates a good part of her life to the Donor Network. My new life, a life without my beautiful blue eyed boy, is just now beginning to take form. Who knows what it will look like -- this life with the "twinkle in his eye young boy/man" gone?

Gone from my vision -- but not really gone from my life, I think.