Almost

Since December -- I have learned that it is almost impossible for me to maintain a blog about Jeff. Mostly because I feel like I should be "up" when I write publically and when I feel like writing, I am usually far from being up.

I have survived a winter without Jeff -- as I write this I feel alternately good and bad...proud and ashamed. That I have survived -- what does that say about me? about my love for my youngest son? Does it tarnish it? It feels like it sometimes.

That life continues without Jeff is as unconscionable now as it was the moment of his death. But I find that I was plucked off a path and dropped onto another one. I hit it hard -- having been dropped from many nmany stories and I am just right now moving a bit and realizing that I am alive. The pain at times has been too much to bear and although I have craved death, I have not been so fortunate/unfortunate as to have it descend upon me. I am moving some now -- and realizing that you can't wish for death -- and I don't really -- as I love Doug so very much and I know that there is more that I am meant to do in life even if it is to help Doug and James and Lauren and John and other family and friends live through Jeff's death.

It is Easter today. Approaching the one year anniversary of Jeff's death -- April 11th...the day Jeff dropped dead. Last Easter was three days before Jeff died. I remember returning to his room after his death and seeing his Easter basket there -- with some of the candy left.

I went to church today with James -- Doug is home with me -- I will make dinner now and pray for the strength and support I need to connect with Doug and to find a way to share together the joy of Jeff's live and his memory.

James said today that everyone is going on. I told him that that was not the case...that many people were affected by Jeff's death -- but they just don't talk about it anymore. They don't understand that James and I -- and Jim and John and Doug -- and Lauren -- we will never ever ever grow tired of talking about Jeff -- that is all we have left of him to share with the world-- his memories and our continued love for him.

Happy Easter Jeffie.

Love,

Mom