The Tourney

Tomorrow is the JV Tournament that we are having in Jeff's memory. It has been wonderful working on it mostly because it has distracted me from the ache in my heart going through a complete lacrosse season without Jeff. Jeff is on my mind constantly. I survived Mother's Day and that day and the week before and the week after was hell. But lacrosse season in many ways is much harder than Mother's Day will ever be. I can watch the Varsity team play and get into watching in like I used to before Jeff died. And it is fine. Mostly until the end of the game. And the other parents line up as we did last year to cheer the players on and pat them on the back whether we have won or lost -- and I can't. And I know that I should be there. And I should be watching Jeff. And I should be hearing Jim yell out something to "Jeffie" and smile because at 15 years old which Jeff would be right now -- Jim still calls him affectionately Jeffie. But I don't hear Jim say that anymore and I don't feel the excitement I felt when Jeff (and Doug last year) were playing. And I feel very very very angry about that --BECAUSE IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.

Dan Troup has been fantastic with the JV Tournament. We will award someone a scholarship in Jeff's name and we will give ROCE6 some money this year to support its program. And we have a beautiful program that I am so proud of...and I am so very very fortunate to have so many good friends who have given me so much during the past few months -- for the tourney -- and year -- in my grief. And it does make me feel good and lucky. But at the end of the day, when I go to bed at night, I don't hear Jeff's radio blaring...I don't get to tell him that he needs to turn down his music some so I can go to sleep ...I don't see (and hear) Doug and Jeff both going over to Jimmy's to play in the back yard...I don't get to call Nell and ask for her to send Doug and Jeff home and no more do I get to look down at my phone and see that "Jeff" is calling me on it. Tomorrow, no doubt, I will be so proud of the tournament and I have no doubt that the kids will have fun. It will be wonderful to see my lacrosse friends again and to feel their support. But the reason I am doing all of this is because Jeff is dead. And I don't understand why it wasn't me first. And it hurts so very badly.