They Say

They say it isn't as bad -- the actually days that you dread -- that the anticipation is worse than the actually day. For me at least, this was not the case in terms of April 11th. I couldn't help but replay April 11, 2007 -- and although I felt the pain of Jeff's death much more severely than ever before -- I continued -- no I continue -- to feel this all is unreal. Part of me believes that there still is a possibility that Jeff will walk through the door making a bee line to the computer to play World of Warcraft on it. I think the part of me that believes this is the part that is helping me continue to live and breathe each day.

It rained on April 11th -- at least up until about 3:00 p.m. or so. I was so happy for the rain, given my feelings about the sun. 'Laine and I planted at the cemetery -- which I am glad we did. I spoke to James and Lauren the day before and the day of. I spoke to Doug the night before.

I opened the half dozen or so of cards I had received during the week -- I opened all my emails from friends -- I answered every phone call I got. And I hugged 'Laine, John, Neil, Tom. Jim and I had hugged earlier in the week. The mother of one of Jeff's friend brought me a bouquet of flowers that arrived at the precise time that I had received THE CALL from Doug from Spencerport last year.

I ached for Jeff. I spoke to him and asked him to help us all. I believe that he listened but believing this does not relieve any of the pain of living without him. I have no answers -- I have questions that will continue to haunt me.

My friends and family will never ever ever know what their notes and calls and hugs meant last week and will continue to mean to me. The further away I get from Jeff's death the more I value the people who connect with me, ask me how I am doing given Jeff's death, and speak to me as freely about Jeff as they did when he was alive.

I simply have no choice but to continue to live. And as much as I hate life without Jeff -- that's the life given to me -- and I know I will find a way to continue to walk with him -- Jeff wouldn't allow anything less than that.