This Is Hard

It is funny -- there are so many things you do in life that you think are hard. I remember the first time that I spoke in front of an audience at a conference -- I stayed up the night before I had to do it. I had to go to the bathroom a million times in the hour before I had to do it. And I got up there and stumbled through most of my presentation....It was awful. I was completely humilitated.

I have moved a number of times and it was hard making friends. I have been unemployed more than any one person I know and I hate not knowing when or where your next paycheck will come from. Both parents have died. I went to graduate school at a number #1 school in the country for public health and I was sure that they had made a mistake admitting me and that I would flunk out. I was scared to death that first day in class. ... And I was married to a man who decided after 16 years of marriage he wanted a divorce. All of this -- especially the multiple times I was unemployed -- a divorced woman with two kids and no paycheck -- these were horrendous periods of my life where I lost a lot of sleep and spent tons of time worrying and truly thought that I would die. But all of that combined is nothing like this.

NOTHING AND NO ONE IS AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR CHILD(REN).

All the rest of life is bullshit. When it comes right down to it it is you, the people you love, the people who love you, and the people you have yet to love as they have yet to love you. That is it -- no more an no less.

My heart aches so much tonite. I would do anything to hear his voice again...see his eyes twinkle...watch him sound asleep in his bed as I have done so many times before.