The Urn with the Hat On

I continue to struggle with my uncontrollable worry over Doug...how does a young man of his age integrate such a horrific event into his life? how does he manage without it destroying him?

I used to feel, last year at this time, that Doug simply "wasn't doing it" the way he was supposed to. What I mean is that I used to think Doug was grieving in the wrong way because he wasn't grieving like I was. I finally saw the light.

I had two recent conversations with people who had experienced a tragic sudden death.
One with a male colleague - one with a female.

WN was talking to me about how he had lived through the death of his two infant daughters. He was telling me about how differently he and his wife mourned their daughters ' deaths. And he told me about how a number of months after the girls had died, he remembered this conversation he had had with his sister. His sister was talking to him and said to him "How are you feeling?" and he remembered like it was yesterday her response to his answer to this question. He KNEW that she felt strongly that he wasn't "doing it" properly. And when she replied to his response to the question - the tone she used enraged him-- all he could feel was immense anger towards her. All he wanted of her at the time was the same thing he wanted from other people, he wanted someone to reaffirm that how he was doing and what he was doing were right...and that he was in fact "doing it" well.

CE's best friend was murdered roughly 15 years ago --when they were both 20. CE's friend was pregnant at the time. CE was upset because she felt like her mother didn't understand why it was that CE had not yet gone through her friend's belongings. CE said it was simply too much for her to do and she didn't know if she would ever do it.

CE started talking about her step dad's death (he died several years ago) and how her mother keeps the urn with his ashes on the mantel in the living room. CE hates the fact that her mother does this. CE now hates being in her mother's living room because all she feels is the sadness associated with her step dad's death. CE proceeded to tell me about how her mother puts hats on the urn -- different hats throughout the year -- since her step dad always loved to wear different hats. CE said that she knew that for her mother to see the urn with a hat on it every day brought her mother an immense amount of comfort. Her mother felt as much comfort from having the urn there as CE felt discomfort.

I thought about both of these conversations yesterday when I saw Doug standing around the tourney talking to his friends. And I thought about the number of times in a minute that I worry about Doug and obsess with the fact that he is NOT doing well, because he isn't responding like I am to Jeffie's death. And then I thought of the urn with a hat on -- I smiled and thought that hopefully I can begin to replace my worry with a mental picture of the urn with the hat on CE's mantelpiece. A much better thought to get stuck on...