With a Little Help From My Friends

Three days -- three days most is what most of our employers give us for bereavement days for immediate family. Three days is what I am allowed to take off to grieve my 14 year old son's death. 20 visits to a psychologist from the beginning of the first day of seeing her 'til a year from them. That is what our HMOs allow us to have regardless of our particular problem.

I simply could never have survived this without a wonderfully understanding boss (who is giving me far far more than 3 bereavement days) and work colleagues AND my psychologist. All of these folks of course in addition to my wonderful friends, continue to stand by me. And it is taking a lot more than 3 bereavement days and 20 outpatient visits per treatment year to help me through this as I still over 1 year later desperately need help to go on.

Among other issues I would like to address since Jeff's death are the labor laws and the HMO benefits. And I would like to change how the world talks about death (in that we don't -- like sex -- it is off limits) Unlike the mere mention of sex, however, we are supposed to get over the death if not in 3 days definitely in 365 days and to mention the death past a year is taboo. This is crap.

All I know is that I feel guilty about still crying the amount I do about Jeff's death. And I know for a fact that Jeff's friends do to.

So do me a favor -- if you know someones whose loved one has died -- continue to check in with them and tell them how much you care well into most of the second year ESPECIALLY on that person's birthday, on mother's day or father's day if the deceased is their child or parent -- AND on most holidays.

Please don't shy away from them. Death is not contagious. And ask the bereaved individual what they might need -- you to talk or you to just listen? Ask if it is ok to talk about the person who died or they would rather not. On the particular hard days send them a card or an email. Do these for every year that they continue to be a part of your life. Well past the first and second years. (The pain is overbearing for them regardless of how many years its been.) The pain of a death lessens about as much as the pain of losing your leg and not replacing it might. If you are lucky and have the support, you learn to survive the loss. You never get over it -- no it doesn't get any easier as time goes on -- no you don't develop some unbelievable strength because of it (this line of thinking, I believe, is comforting to friends/family of the bereaved but is just wishful thinking.) and it is all bullshit. You learn to survive afterwords and some days you feel quite acutely that big whole in your heart and it is mentally and/or physical debilitating. But other days it is less so and you seem to be able to both walk and talk without difficulty. But you never return to functioning emotional, spiritually and physically -- day to day or over the years -- the same as before your loved one died.

Doug, John, Jim and I have survived Jeff's 16th birthday, which was Saturday. And it was long arriving and it was extraordinarily painful to do and no, it wasn't any easier to deal with than the day we learned he had died or his first birthday. It was harder. We didn't have the shock and denial to protect us.

But we survived. And Jeff is still died. And I want it not to be the case. But it is. And ask me about how I am feeling, tell me you care, and above all else tell me your memories of Jeff. Acknowledging Jeff life and your life with him is the only channel for us to keep Jeff's spirit alive. And that is critically important to us bereaved souls.