The 4th and the 3 Belts

Today is the first holiday since Jeff has been dead that Doug and I will "celebrate" just the two of us. John has gone with his kids to visit his Mom -- in Boston.

My heart aches for Jeff.

The belts are gone...

For years, there have been 3 belts from karate (Tia kuan do?? sp) in the tree in my front yard. I asked the boys to take them down, they never did. Kind of grew used to them. Jeff in particular liked to play on them. Swinging from the tree -- climbing up the tree -- with friends. Jeff was my tree climber. Doug wasn't.
Since Jeff's death, I have passed by them and ever time I did they made me feel I was "grinning and bearing (sp?) it" if that makes any sense. Bittersweet feelings. I had asked John to take them down repeatedly -- I knew that I could not. Finally, just last week, Doug commented about how we should take them down. I asked John to do it and not tell me.

Two days ago I went to go to work and I noticed they were gone -- and it just made me feel so very sad. One more step to take -- that hurts a lot but is, I guess, something that needs to be done...to survive this.

Every step I take to survive moves me further from my love, Jeff. I was told about this part from Jody. I would much rather not move at all. Reject the journey completely. Stand still. My heart stopped beating when Jeff died. It will never beat regularly again. And people ask how I am. And most of the time I simply can't answer truthfully. And it is so hard to go on.