Dear Jeff

Dear Jeff

Yesterday would have been the first day of your Senior year. I thought that I would go away for a long weekend so as to avoid the hurt associated with the first day of school -- I thought wrong. Don't get me wrong -- I had a great vacation -- 4 nights Jon and I were away -- (notice the spelling) and it was great. We spent it in a cabin overlooking Seneca Lake. It was a gorgous weekend -- the sun was bright for the better part of it. No rain.

Spent a lot of time outdoors -- looking at the many gorges in the area. I felt closer to you than I have in awhile. I am lucky in that I absolutely love the outdoors and when I am outide -- which is a lot -- I feel closer to you.

But then we have the change of seasons...which always brings with it sadness...signifying yet another season without you. The audacity of life continuing without you here.

I love you so much Jeffer. We have made a decision about the tombstone so I am hoping to proceed with that. I feel so embarrassed about all the circumstances that led to the delay -- I don't want to point fingers but you know why the delay -- and that I have been doing my best to make everyone happy...

I thought waiting "a couple of months" til after you died would make it easier to get a headstone for you -- another mistake on my part.

I love going to the cemetary right now -- it brings me peace. I am afraid that when the tombstone is put in place -- it won't bring me peace anymore. As a tombstone is the polar opposite of all that you mean to me -- you mean to us.

I dream of meeting you again my love. I would love to have a backrub and maybe I will even pay the dollar a minute you asked me to pay way back when you wanted to charge for it.

You have made me so very very proud -- I continue to be in awe of the kind of influence you have on people.

Please be near your brother. I feel the saddest when I think of the impact your death has had on him.

The most joy in my life were those few weeks when we ate dinner together and you were on the same team. You were so excited Jeff -- I can still hear your voice. You were both talking strategy about the practices and games. And I sat and watched and listened and thought "it doesn't get better than this".

I love you so.

Mom