Another

I have felt a surge of energy recently. I think it has to do with a number of things, not the least of which is the fact that the "bad months" of April (the anniversary of Jeff's death), May (mother's day) and June (Jeff's birthday) -- are behind me.

I finally had a "nice dream" about Jeff. I had a number of nightmares about Jeff right after he died...and then I wished for some good dreams ...but none came. In fact, a couple of months ago I had a horrendous nightmare where Jeff's head was three times the size it was supposed to be -- bulging. And he was dead.

In any case, in the good dream, Jeff was young and happy and enjoying himself. And when I awoke I was so happy at first that I had had a glimpse of him -- but then my happiness was replaced with an unimaginable sadness. Despite the sadness, in hindsight, it was worth it for the happiness I felt in a vivid memory of him as a child.

I was thinking today about the idea of signs again. It feels like it has been so long since I have had any from Jeff. And sometimes, despite the number of signs Jeff has given me and my family and friends that he is ok, I still have difficulty not thinking the logical thought -- that the signs thing is all in my head. (This is one of the reasons I want to write the book. To remember the NUMBER of signs that together have been indicative of Jeff listening to my plea on his death bed begging for signs.)

After John and I went to the public market today, we stopped at the cemetary. I still love to go there as it is one of the few places I can go to be still and connect with Jeff.

I watered the planted flowers there and replaced the cut ones. And I prayed -- and talked to Jeff again. I asked Jeff to send signs to Doug -- and as an afterthought mentioned that I wouldn't mind some signs as well. Then we left.

On the way home, we stopped at Dunkin Donuts and I got some coffee and chatted awhile to the cashier. It was right at that moment that Coach Whipple (Doug and Jeff's Coach who was on the fied with them both when Jff died) walked into the store. I hadn't seen Coach Whipple to speak to in over a year. We have communicated electronically over the year, but that has been the extent of it.

It was absolutely wonderful seeing the Coach. I always feel so close to Jeff when I see him as the Coach felt very close to Jeff and Jeff to the Coach when they go to know each other in early 2007.

Anyways, we chatted, I hugged him, and we decided on when we could get together again. I got back into the car with John and we were on our way.

As we were driving, I was feeling mixed emotions. John's only comment on the short ride home was this "It is incredible how quickly Jeff worked this time." I gasped. It hadn't even dawned on me -- the connection here.

I love both DOug and Jeff so very much. I am so lucky to have them both continue to be in my life.