Surreal

Went to the grave site today. Last weekend I had spoken to Lauren about getting the tombstone for Jeff's grave. Both she and Doug liked current thoughts about what to put on it. Awhile back, Lauren had planted a beautiful day lily at the cemetery -- although last year it didn't come in nicely, this year it was just gorgeous to look at and I loved seeing it each time I went to the cemetery. Mary Ellen and I went and removed the lily a couple of weeks ago and planted it in Mary' Ellen's garden to "keep it safe" until the work on the tombstone is complete.

Buying the tombstone and preparing for it at the cemetery reminds me of the day Jeff died and the days immediately following them. You make it through them by disassociating yourself from what is taking place cuz it is simply too painful to both get through what you need to get through AND feel the emotions associated with it. So I am walking through having to do this and feeling like I am watching someone walking through it who isn't me at the same time...

Everything about this part of Jeff's death seems surreal.

I hate it all.

That familiar feeling of being stabbed in the chest by life is back again.