Waiting

I went to Jeff's gravesite again today. The foundation had been laid for his tombstone. Never knew about the process -- never had to.

Well first they dig a big hole about maybe 6 ft deep -- about 2 1/2 feet long by a foot wide. They have a rectangular wooden frame the same length and width of the top of the hole and about two inches deep. They put the frame on the top of the whole and pour the cement into it - level with the earth. It sets for awhile while the stone -- coming from Maine I believe -- is selected, carved, designed and etched.

It is so final all of this tombstone stuff -- and so very sad...

It finally caught up with me -- all of it. Of course when I was least expecting it. I was at Helen's yesterday talking about how I have been -- which is pretty good these days. So today, right afte I got into work, I got upset about some minor annoyance, went to chat with a friend about it, and ended up sobbing. My work friend, Ginny, to whom I was speaking, was terrific. Ginny came to the hospital the morning after Jeff died and I sobbed when I saw her then. Today, I was taken back to that moment in time...right back there...as if no time at all had elapsed between then and now.

I am left with such a whole in my heart without Jeff.

Whoever wrote about the stages of grief --I believe now, didn't know much. It sounds like there is a pattern to it -- there is no pattern to grief. It varies so much from one person to another. It zig zags at best. And knowing more about grief -- there are endless books written on the subject -- in most cases, I feel simply doesn't help. I guess if you know nothing about it -- it might in that it makes you feel when you are experiencing some aspect in particular that you are less alone and that what you are feeling is "normal". But it doesn't lessen the pain. Nothing lessens the pain except maybe alcohol (and drugs I guess)...which hurts yourself as well as your loved ones. God knows I/they have been through enough.

I do understand why people (young girls mostly) take to cutting themselves. Because if the pain inside becomes so unbearable then cutting distracts you for awhile thereby giving you some relief.

I think about Jeff dying and then I think about all the other pain others have experienced around the death of their child...especially those who have lost a child due to suicide like Jody. How do you go on living?

Then I am brought back to how blessed I am to have John, Elaine, Peggy and so many others by my side -- but also to have Helen there as well. Helen's daughter knew Jeff. Helen is a fantastic therapist whose support and guidance have helped me tremendously through the past 2 1/2 years. I remember when I first went back to see Helen after Jeff's death I thought how could she ever help me if she was so clueless about what it was I was experiencing. She was, she has learned through my experiences I believe, and she continues to help me.

And last, but not least, my belief in God. I know I will see Jeff again and I know he is better now than I will ever be on earth and that does bring me tremendous comfort...

So I wait...for the weather to turn and the sparkling white stuff to join us...for the tombstone to finally come and to see the new look at the cemetary while the stone is surrounded by so much love that others have left in Jeff's memory ...and to see Jeff in the not so distant future...