I Survived!!

As I entitle this new entry, it dawns on me that the proudest thing a bereaved parent or THIS bereaved parent can say following the death of her child is "I survived".

Most recently, I survived the week leading up to and the week following April 11th -- the 2nd Anniversary of Jeff's death.

These last few weeks have been incredibly difficult. I had many flashbacks of the week before and the day of Jeff's death. I can not believe that Jeff died - never mind that he died two years ago.

The whole in my heart is so large.

I have felt so incapacitated these last few weeks.

But despite how angry I am with God and the universe right now -- I do believe that I have seen some recent signs of Jeff in my life.

1) The one day I went to work last week as I was opening up the back door to come in I thought "Next year, I am telling the women I work with that flowers on my desk would be really really helpful during anniversary weeks". No sooner had I turned the corner to my desk when I saw a small vase full of flowers with a notecard reading "We love you and are thinking of you this week" - signed by "us" the "support" staff.

2) Emailed to me one day last week was a beliefnet message on "Courage"

3) Another day, a beliefnet email on "Surviving Tragedy" was sent to me

4) Several days after Jeff died in 2007, we saw a beautiful bird (species unknown) had laid two eggs right by his plot in the cemetery. Last year, around the anniversary, no eggs. This year, again, I thought to myself "Wow - I wish I could see that bird with her eggs again -- that would be a great sign" and lo and behold she was there guarding her eggs again a couple of days after the 11th .

I am so blessed to have family and friends who have continued to walk with me over the past few weeks. I am so lucky to have Doug in my life -- he is a true joy to be around -- even when he isn't.

Plans continue for the 2nd Annual Jeff Milano-Johnson JV Memorial Lacrosse Tournament - it will be held June 6th this year.

And lacrosse season continues. I see Doug and Jeff playing at Jimmy's in my mind's eye every time I walk Cosby past their house. I can hear them all bantering and I can hear how proud Jeff is about having made the Varsity Lacrosse Team while Doug was still playing on it.

My two guys - I love them both so very much.
I survived.