March 26th

March 26th was the first Pittsford Lacrosse Varsity Game of the year.
The Varsity Team - the one Jeff should be on -- played at St. John Fisher and I had decided to have a small fundraiser there for Jeff's fund. John, Elaine, Linda and I hung out beside small card tables with signs of Jeff and a poster board talking about both the fund AND the upcoming JV lacrosse tournament we will be holding in Jeff's name.

What seemed like a good idea several weeks before the Varsity Game - holding a fund raiser in Jeff's name - wasn't quite what I expected. It was absolutely fantastic that John and Elaine and Linda helped out with the event -- but just seeing the boys warming up for the game that night through me for a loop.
I had fun putting some pictures on the plastic containers we used for the donations. I went through a lot of Jeff's pictures -- even the ones with him playing goalie for the Junior Rattlers -- and I loved doing this. But when I got to Fisher's Stadium I just felt awful. It hurt to see the boys there without Jeff. It hurt to watch them play without Jeff. It even hurt to see James, Jeff's best guy friend, score the winning goal cuz I knew the team would have been that much better had Jeff been playing.

I feel so very out of sorts right now. I look at the pictures of Jeff all around me and I am reminded that while his life stands still now -- captured in my pictures around the house and on the computer -- the lives of his friends go on. I can't help but think of Jeff when I see Austin behind the wheel of his mom's car. (What would Jeff have looked like behind the wheel of my car? Would he have been the crazy man I feared that he would be behind the wheel?) I hear of James, Lauren, Ben looking at colleges now and I wonder what colleges Jeff would have been interested in. I hear of another lacrosse mom with a son Doug's age who has a younger brother and I wonder how Doug and Jeff would look together now -- what if any height difference would remain.

I continue to be thankful for all my friends -- I continue to feel strength when I email Jody whose son died and hear her talk about the approaching anniversary of his death. What a club we are in together -- Jody and I. I can't imagine how she must feel given her son died by his own hands. But I marvel at how she has continued her life and helps me so with mine. The same for Norma. When she says she understands exactly how I feel I know that she does because similar to Jody's son, her daughter died many many years ago by taking her own life.

Next week, the day before Easter, will be the second anniversary of Jeff's death - April 11th.

I am looking forward to it being behind me again -- but even as I write this I think about what that means -- the end of another year without Jeff but yet the beginning of the next.

I received a shawl today. Betty made it for either me or my ministry. I don't think that she could possibly understand how it felt for me to open the package - read the card -- and wrap the shawl around myself. I miss Betty so. I miss her wisdom -- I miss her calm and steady approach to life. I miss her calls and I miss her hugs.

It seems that Jeff's death has brought with it a more intense appreciation and love for my friends. Yet with that intense appreciation and love comes overwhelming sadness and longing for my close friends who are no longer in geographic proximity to me.