This is the hardest

This year in lots of respects is the hardest. I am told that it is because of it being Jeff's senior year -- well what should have been his senior year. And all I can see around me and hear around me are the plans of other kids - his friends. And I am happy that most of them seem to have a good head on their shoulders and are proceeding in life as we would hope that they would. But I feel so angry and cheated that I am not going through the same thing that their parents are going through. I didn't get to take Jeff to colleges last year. I didn't send out letters to schools that he might be interested in playing lacrosse for. Or rather I didn't share in the craziness of recruiters calling here to talk to him as they did when Doug was a senior. I try to get passed the anger and bitterness but it seems impossible to do.

Last weekend was the Pittsford Lacrosse Festival. It was also Senior Day. At the varsity game, the Seniors, Jeff's buddies, each had their names called, each came up to have their picture taken with their parents. Each mom received a rose before the picture was taken.

I was asked if we would like to participate and of course I said yes. It made sense and it was good for the boys, so I thought. So Jim and I went and stood in line with the other parents seeing each of them get called and having their picture taken with their son. Then they called us. The announcer said some very nice things about Jeff -truth be told I didn't hear most of them. Each of the seniors gave me a flower and I hugged each of them individually. Jim shook their hands and hugged them also. Then we had a team picture taken of us and the boys. And I felt so proud of myself really that I didn't break down -- I almost did when I looked at Andrew's eyes. But I didn't. And parents of Jeff's friends hugged me and it all seemed so "touching" as I wrote explaining the picture of the boys on Facebook.

Tonite, I just want to sob. Saturday was senior day and I made it through. Sunday was Mother's Day and it was nice - John and Doug and I went out to breakfast. And I made it through then also...enjoyed parts of it a lot.

Except --- except --- except.

Except that mother's day wasn't as it was supposed to be.
Except that Senior day wasn't as it was supposed to be.

When I talk to Helen sometimes I write down things that are said because she has an uncanny way of explaining things. I found this evening on a piece of paper the words "unbridled joy". She mentioned this one time when I was talking to her. I love that term. It explains it so very well. Unbridled joy is what I felt when both of my boys were born. Unbridled joy was what I felt when Doug got his first goal ever in lacrosse. Unbridled joy was what I felt when Jeff in his freshman year made the Varsity lacrosse team - so he could fulfill one of his dreams I believe of playing lacrosse with his big brother. I feel unbridled joy so often these days when I think of Doug -- sticking with lacrosse - I would not have the tenacity to do this. Living on his own or with his buds rather. Making a fantastic grad point average even though he plays lacrosse AND has tons of labs. Unbridled joy is what I feel when I think of Jeff and all that he accomplished while he was on earth. I love them so much. Unbridled joy like the unending love a mother has for her boys never goes away. Even when the boy does.