Happy 18th Birthday Jeff

Today would have been Jeff's 18th birthday. I thought on and off today of Jeff's birth day. Jeff was born at 11:30 p.m. at night -- the Chicago Bulls were playing in the playoffs. When Doug was born I had back labor and ended up having an epidural. When Jeff was born there was a point when I yelled to the midwife "Ok, I am ready for the drugs" and unfortunately it was too late for them. A couple of minutes later, Jeff joined our family.

I was thinking today of the wonder that accompanies the birth of your child. Wonder and hope. Doug feel asleep a bit this evening on our way home and when I pulled into the driveway of the house I thought about the number of times when Doug and Jeff were little and they would fall asleep in the car and we brought them into the house with their arms flopping beside us. I remember the number of times when I would walk into Jeff's room at night before I went to bed and give him a kiss or tuck him in and just look at him...feeling that same sense of wonder I felt the moment he was born.

I feel so sad...and mad. I went to James' graduation party yesterday. I went because James asked me to go and I went because when I am with him or Lauren or one of Jeff's other friends or the lacrosse team I feel a bit like I am touching Jeff again..and I don't have that many opportunities any more to do that.

I am so sad that his class is graduating...and I feel sad because not only is Jeff not graduating, but when his friends leave this area, so do my connections with his friends and that part of him.

I continue to pray. Mostly for Doug. For J. For L. and J. For the kids like A. who only recently did I learn considered Jeff to be a close friend. For the kids whose lives were affected by Jeff who I will never know. For the adults whose lives were affected by Jeff as well.

I love you so much, Jeffer. I miss you so.

I wish so much that you were here and that we were celebrating together this big birthday.

Happy Birthday my love. .......more than a million universes.