It Started

So he got through the surgery, got through the teeth being extracted, got through the possibility of the eye being sewn shut, got through the hearing test, go through making another mask for his face and got through the anxiety of postponement after postponement for everything to start. In between were what -- at least five visits a week of prep and more prep. To today.

Today it started. Went with him to Pluta Cancer Center where the greatest health care providers on earth work. Sat in the waiting room while they took him in for radiation which took about 10 minutes. Kissed him good bye so that he could go get his chemo. Went and bought him ear buds so that he could listen to music all day. Returned to the cancer center to drop off at the desk his earbuds when they told me that I could go right into the chemo room. So I went into the chemo room...found him...chatted a bit and left the ear buds. Got into the car and for the first time really since this all began I wanted to vomit.

It is relatively easy to be calm -- most of the time -- about all of this. Has been easy -- more or less -- with support from Elaine, Mary Ellen, Peggy and my family to keep it all in perspective. These are the little battles that must be fought in order to win the war. Sounds good...makes me feel better most of the time. But what do I do when I step into the chemo room and see a number of hospital chairs around the periphery of the room with movable arms -- like the arms they use on chairs you sit in when you give blood. And John's arm is down -- with ice on it -- being prepared for the IV that contains all of this shit to destroy his cells. And what happens if the bad ones aren't all destroyed?

Neither one of us slept much last night. I woke up constantly to see if he was awake -- which he was.

For me, the chemo and radiation concept doesn't scare me. That is just all cramming and studying before the big test. But what if he fails the test?

I simply can't imagine that...My mind can't go there.

I can't focus on the people who I read about last night in the obits who died from cancer. I have to focus on the survivors -- many of whom I know.

And Jeff -- who I know is routing loudly for "Jonathon" as he would say.

I love you so very much, Jeffer. I miss you tons. You should have been with us for Thanksgiving. So hard to hear about your friends from their mothers who I ran into at Wegmans. I continue to be proud of you my love and the life you led.

Mom