The Day After

Started reading "Learning to Dance in the Rain" which my brother John gave me for Christmas last night and it inspired me to publish old posts I hadn't yet published (because of kinks in the system) and to start writing again.

The book came out Dec. 11th and is written by parents of a young girl who at the age of 21 died in a car crash. It is about life after death. Reading that in the cover I was ready to toss it when I opened it yesterday. I have read a lot about life after death, the lights, etc. and yesterday I was in no mood to read more. Fine at times to know that the transition from life to death was beautiful for Jeff, wonderful and comforting to know that he is safe and happy as I know he is, but on Christmas morning as we are opening gifts AGAIN without Jeff, being reminded of these facts does nothing for me.

So I opened the book, read that it was about life after death and felt really angry at my brother for sending it to me.

A common feeling I have about my family right now. Whether it is Jeff's death or John's cancer I feel angry that they --as well as John's family --simply don't get it. Why would I ever care to have a discussion several weeks before Christmas about the appropriate gift to buy John? Since Jeff's death, gifts at Christmas mean shit to me. This year, I feel compelled to simply bomb every image I see of the commercial side of Christmas. It is so very very very far from what is important in life and what the meaning of the holiday is.

DOESN'T ANYONE GET IT????????????????????????

Christmas was good yesterday. I made a beautiful breakfast for John and Doug, Britt and Dave (John's kids) and 'Lainy (my local sista) and her son Cory. The food was good...and sitting around the table looking at them eating and chatting gave me the first sense of peace I have felt in the 4 1/2 years since Jeff died. Cuz that snapshot of life- that moment- to me -was what Christmas is about.
We played "Bananagrams" after dinner- Doug and Dave and 'Lainy and Cory and I while John and Britt chatted. Life simply doesn't get any better than this. I know.

John and I had dinner with Mary Ellen, another sista, and her family while Doug worked. The dinner was great. And even though John took portions appropriate for a 3 year old to eat -- I felt good that he drove over to Mary Ellen's right before the meal and was feeling good enough to be with us. Another unique moment of peace.

Went to Jeff's gravesite after dinner and did my new tradition of lighting a Yankee candle and placing it in a non-flammable bag with some sand in it, and leaving it at the gravesite. I had a good conversation with Jeff and left-- turning to see in the dark how incredibly beautiful the candle looked and knowing that that candle which distinguished every other gravesite last night from Jeff's was an incredibly powerful metaphor/image for Jeff's life.

John went to bed early having exhausted himself with the day's events. I looked at the ads for today's sales (somewhat --quite a bit! --counter to my anticommercialistic ways). Then I opened my new book "Learning to Dance in the Rain" and read several chapters. The chapters I read were incredible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The book, unlike all the other books I have read about life after death -- tells a completely different story. It tells my story.

Jeff I love you so very very very much and am so blessed to have you in my life.