Death of A Friend

My friend Linda died tonight at 5:40 p.m. I guess I thought I was an expert on these things - death that is - but I am not. I am completely at a loss.

Linda's death is the first of a friend/family member since Jeff died. In reality, I just don't know how to feel. I have known Linda since about 1995. I was working with her when I was married and Jim had his seizure -- she was one of about 20 people who surrounded my desk at ViaHealth to hear how Jim was after we rushed him to the hospital and frankly, thought he had had a stroke. Linda was a good good friend when Jim left -- she helped me through many a tearful day. My first divorced Valentine Day, Linda sent me a card. I will never forgot that. It meant so much to me as I was feeling so very very crushed at that time by a separation/divorce that shattered life as I had known it. And Linda was there for me when Jeff died. As I walked behind the casket down the aisle at Jeff's funeral, and took my seat, I looked to the front of the sanctuary and noticed that Dan and Linda were sitting on the bench in the sanctuary reserved for readers. I thought it odd that they were there as they didn't even go to our church, never mind read for the Masses. A minute later, I realized that they were there because there were no other seats in the church and so they took the last available ones. It was incredibly comforting to have them there during the funeral; to see that a good friend of mine had come to show her love and support. It was incredibly comforting.

I had lunch with Linda maybe 5 or 6 times max since Jeff died - but I spoke with her every other month or so. I had the opportunity to get to know her somewhat well when I helped her about 15 years ago during her father's funeral; I helped with Patrick. Patrick was young and Dan's father had died the day before in Long Island. So Linda, being an only child, was left with her young son and her ailing mother to deal with at her dad's funeral. So I went and watched Patrick and helped her out.

I learned of Linda's impending death the day after Christmas when I happened to run into a mutual friend of ours. I was devastated and called her that afternoon and spoke to Dan for about an hour or so. Dan has never been lacking for words. I learned from our conversation only that Linda was terminally ill (when he spoke of his regret at never having gone to Europe with her), but little about her impending death. So the day after that, instead of going to work as I was supposed to, I blew off work to go visit them. I had no idea what to expect -- I thought perhaps Linda would be on her death bed. Much to my amazement, Linda came out and sat in a recliner chatting with me for about three hours. We caught up on everything in each of our lives. She told me about the year's events including her trip to California with Dan, the suicide death of Dan's mother, and her three bouts with cancer -- two of which I had heard about. The most recent bout started in September when she discovered she was out of breath. She went to the doctor, they discovered it was cancer and that it was terminal. She only wanted to live until her son turned 21 and although her doctor told her that she might not, she did. Patrick turned 21 on December 27th.

I had the opportunity to help clean Linda's house with two friends last week, and chat with her again briefly two or three other times. Her breath was labored. But she asked me questions about John and about his kids when we spoke.

I was so lucky to have Linda in my life. I know that she is ok now and that she is at peace and no longer in pain or discomfort. I feel awful for her son and husband as I am too familiar with their pain and heartache. True- it is different from mine when Jeff died -- but I know how deep the pain runs and how lost they must feel. My heart goes out to them.

I need to say something here about cancer, patients and caregivers. Family caregivers. I have tremendous respect and admiration for Dan, for Cindy's mom who cared for her father when he was dying; for anyone caring for a sick/dying relative. I have felt at times during the past 7 weeks completely at wits end. I have felt scared, devastated, completely exhausted, incredibly angry, uncontrollably sad since John was diagnosed with cancer. I have resented my healthy family/friends often.

I had no idea how hard this cancer thing is. I had absolutely no idea how hard it is on the patient - going through chemo and radiation and millions of doctors' appointments and conflicting medical information and feeling exhausted and with no appetite and sick to your stomach all the time, ringing ears, eyes that tear constantly because your eye and tear duct are damaged; no ability to taste; no ability to feel in part of your cheek; a new lower voice that isn't the same because yours was irreparably changed from the radiation; and a balding head. And the thousands of dollars worth of bills and the financial worry.

I had no idea.

It is awful -- this cancer. It is awful on the patient and the family.

This life - it is so incredibly hard. And death is a part of it and although I know we can make death easier in a number of ways --to lose someone you love is so incredibly unbearable in terms of pain/heartache.

So I want you Jeff to welcome my friend Linda as you have welcomed so many others i have known as well.

Linda - thank you for being in my life and for helping me in so many big and small ways. Please help Dan and Patrick and Jane and Kathy and your many other friends who will miss you terribly.

Wrapping my arms around you and holding you tightly -- Thank you my friend.

Mj