How are your sons?

It has been such a long time since I have written here. But never a long time since I have thought about you Jeff.

Today I was at my doctor's appointment. Charlene was so instrumental in helping me get through those first minutes, hours, days, weeks and months after your death. Much to my surprise after asking me about how I was feeling, sleeping, eating, etc and taking copious notes about it all, she asked "how are you sons?" I was so taken a back, blinked several times, thinking that perhaps I hadn't heard her correctly. Then she asked again and I got very very quiet...until she paused and followed up with "....that is, how is your son on earth and your son above us?" I simply didn't know what to say. I was stunned that she would ask me this...yet I felt calmness I hadn't felt before in a while in talking about "my family". I thanked her profusely. It felt wonderful to be able to tell her what Doug was up to and then follow that by telling her what you were up to. I told her about how you had helped me reach out to the Kopp family and the superintendent of Brighton Schools, the boy who had thrown the ball at Ty and Tommy Schmitz and his dad, the coach of the team who played the night Tyler died and Julie, Ty's mom. That was you Jeff...that wasn't me. That was you making your presence known like only you could because I certainly didn't have the strength that week to help anybody. The pain and heartache of your death, Jeff, was so much part of me the week Ty Kopp died. I couldn't read the newspaper or watch TV that week. All I thought about was you.

So for the first time since your body left us Jeff, it felt good talking about my family to someone. I didn't feel awkward or sad or like I was betraying you or making the other person uncomfortable. I felt like I was updating someone on "my guys"...the two young men who continue to bring me so much joy ...who continue to make life worth living...who will always be so much a part of me. You are now and will continue to be "my love" ...always in the present tense. And I continue to love you as much as ever...or as I said so often when your body AND spirit both were with us "more than infinity".