Five Years

Hard to imagine it has been five years. Five years: 60 months; 260 weeks; 1820 days; 43,680 hours; 2,620,800 minutes.

Spent the past few weeks awaiting today.

Spent one afternoon and evening last week going thru my "Jeff box" of everything imaginable I have related to Jeff's death and life. Pictures - tons of them -- papers and an art book from his last year in school -- notes from his friends that came right after he died up until a year or so ago...letters from the person who received his heart...newspaper articles...the varsity letter he earned the year he died.

I see pictures of Jeff when he was alive and although I love them because they are all I have of him physically, it makes me so sad as it leaves me wondering what would he have looked like if he were here today. Where would he have gone to school? What would he be studying? Who would his friends be?

I was lying in bed this afternoon trying to nap when all of a sudden I heard his exasperated voice saying "Ma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in that tone he used to always use when he claimed Doug did something to him.

What if I stop remembering that voice one day?

My heart feels so very very heavy today.

But there were several respites during the day.

Reading the memories that people wrote about him...
Receiving "Final Lesson" the trumpet melody Jonah wrote in his memory the day he died...
Hearing that Doug's roommates voiced concern about how he was doing today...I didn't think 22 year old males would be concerned about something like this enough to vocalize it to someone else...
Flowers from Linda...
Cards from Lorraine...and Peggy
Emails from friends near and far...
And many phone calls.
I am blessed.
I know I am.
And I feel so fortunate to have family and friends who care.
And many times that is of huge comfort to me.

But it is hard to feel it is sufficient tonite.
5 years ago seems like a heartbeat away...
The sickness in my stomach...the hole in my heart...they will never go away...
Despite how hard I try to search for the perfect piece of jewelry to own to help me feel close to Jeff or the perfect prayer or the perfect bereavement remembrance song...or the perfect way to celebrate Jeff's life...

All of it will be lacking.
None of it will ever bring him back.