I have been completely out of whack emotionally over the past 3-4 weeks. Funny, when you are completely out of whack you are often (always?) clueless as to being that way. Realized it today when I went off the deep end in feelings about John's son.
No- I have been obsessed about Dave since before Christmas. Obsessed about how he is doing, upset about what I have done to him and what I have not done for him. Newtown and the Webster shootings only have exacerbated those feelings. And I realized THAT early on.
But today it came to a head...and all I wanted to do was shout and scream at John for not doing anything...and for not showing any emotion...because I knew/know something bad was/is going to happen...and I knew/know it is going to be something that harms him and/or other people and that my intervention could prevent it from happening.
I was more angry with John today than I have ever been. Reminded me of the intensity of my anger at Jim right after he left and at God/the world right after Jeff died. Funny, I had this wonderful wonderful picture in my mind of the hallmark Christmas that would occur following my rescuing Dave and saving the day for everyone. I would unite John's family and everyone would be happy. Dave would start getting the help he needed and it would make for a picture perfect Christmas card for next year...to make up for the rotten Christmas card picture that occurred this year on Christmas day.
I told John today that if he didn't take SOME action/any action, it would continue to have a huge negative effect on our relationship as it was doing over the summer.
Why can't the man be as expressive as I am? Why can't he do what I want him to do in this situation? Clearly, it is what is needed.
So after feeling growingly like I was losing my mind over what was going on around me - beginning with the day of the Ceremony of Remembrance and ending with today I finally did what I usually do...call a friend to let off steam.
WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY FRIENDS? I know where I would be. If I was alive I would be lying on the gutter somewhere a drunken crazy person with matted hair and filthy clothes. If I was alive that is. And I would be longing to be with Jeff and unable to be with Doug.
I see people like that sometime and I know that I am only one step away from that.
What an attraction to just drink away my problems!
BR was not answering when I called her. I hung up and literally made a loud whistling kettle sound to try to literally "let off steam". It sucked as a substitute. Finally BR called me back and I just talked to her for an extraordinarily long time about everything I had been thinking and feeling. And she politely commented here and there. Then she said one of the wisest things that has been said to me in awhile. She said something about my wanting to rescue Dave - to save him - being drawn to do that like a giant size magnet (I know I have been obsessed with saving Dave since his problems first become evident in July). She politely noted that maybe it had to do with my feelings about not being able to save Jeff.
And once she said this--I knew in my heart that she had hit the nail right on the head. And all I wanted to do was cry.
I would give my life to get Jeff back. And despite the world going on around me and me functioning in it day to day --I really don't want to have any part of it sometime...if I can't have Jeff with me. This year I dont to talk to Lauren or James or anyone Jeff's age because I hate that Jeff isn't alive and the age his friends are and to know that his best friends are alive just makes me incredibly sad.
If I couldn't save Jeff, just maybe I can save another kid or two. Or can anyone really save anyone else in life?
No- I have been obsessed about Dave since before Christmas. Obsessed about how he is doing, upset about what I have done to him and what I have not done for him. Newtown and the Webster shootings only have exacerbated those feelings. And I realized THAT early on.
But today it came to a head...and all I wanted to do was shout and scream at John for not doing anything...and for not showing any emotion...because I knew/know something bad was/is going to happen...and I knew/know it is going to be something that harms him and/or other people and that my intervention could prevent it from happening.
I was more angry with John today than I have ever been. Reminded me of the intensity of my anger at Jim right after he left and at God/the world right after Jeff died. Funny, I had this wonderful wonderful picture in my mind of the hallmark Christmas that would occur following my rescuing Dave and saving the day for everyone. I would unite John's family and everyone would be happy. Dave would start getting the help he needed and it would make for a picture perfect Christmas card for next year...to make up for the rotten Christmas card picture that occurred this year on Christmas day.
I told John today that if he didn't take SOME action/any action, it would continue to have a huge negative effect on our relationship as it was doing over the summer.
Why can't the man be as expressive as I am? Why can't he do what I want him to do in this situation? Clearly, it is what is needed.
So after feeling growingly like I was losing my mind over what was going on around me - beginning with the day of the Ceremony of Remembrance and ending with today I finally did what I usually do...call a friend to let off steam.
WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY FRIENDS? I know where I would be. If I was alive I would be lying on the gutter somewhere a drunken crazy person with matted hair and filthy clothes. If I was alive that is. And I would be longing to be with Jeff and unable to be with Doug.
I see people like that sometime and I know that I am only one step away from that.
What an attraction to just drink away my problems!
BR was not answering when I called her. I hung up and literally made a loud whistling kettle sound to try to literally "let off steam". It sucked as a substitute. Finally BR called me back and I just talked to her for an extraordinarily long time about everything I had been thinking and feeling. And she politely commented here and there. Then she said one of the wisest things that has been said to me in awhile. She said something about my wanting to rescue Dave - to save him - being drawn to do that like a giant size magnet (I know I have been obsessed with saving Dave since his problems first become evident in July). She politely noted that maybe it had to do with my feelings about not being able to save Jeff.
And once she said this--I knew in my heart that she had hit the nail right on the head. And all I wanted to do was cry.
I would give my life to get Jeff back. And despite the world going on around me and me functioning in it day to day --I really don't want to have any part of it sometime...if I can't have Jeff with me. This year I dont to talk to Lauren or James or anyone Jeff's age because I hate that Jeff isn't alive and the age his friends are and to know that his best friends are alive just makes me incredibly sad.
If I couldn't save Jeff, just maybe I can save another kid or two. Or can anyone really save anyone else in life?
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