Six months since I last wrote. Another anniversary of Jeff's death has come and gone. Similar to all the others, the anticipation was worse than the event itself. But the feelings associated with the anticipation brought be back to the week after April 11, 2007. Actually, NOTHING could bring me back to that week, thank God. But it brought me closer to the devastation of Jeff's death than other times of the year....
Tonight I am sitting working on the tournament again. This morning I woke up and felt like vomiting due to the amount of things I had to get done and the little time between now and the tournament. Silent auction vendors to visit; lacrosse balls to buy; teeshirts to order; scholarship ratings to go out to those reading the applications this year; volunteers for the day of; referees; website to finalize; logo to finalize; press release to get out before the event; work to be done with the Democrat and Chronicle re: the ad; work with Jim Garnham re: the schedule and the program. And then there is the fact that John's mom had the audacity to die this week AND Sam asked me to go away with her and Doug the week before the tournament this year. AND 3 people who were here last year helping aren't going to be here this year...
And I am thinking that 1) this has taken on a life of its own 2) the life it has taken on is not one that I want to continue.
When does this event become an obsession used to replace the pit in my stomach that exists when I think about my beautiful blue eyed boy?
I really need to focus on what it is that I want to be Jeff's legacy --how can I best incorporate that into my life.
I love the game of lacrosse and I really want to support its growth especially in the city.
I want to help other kids but I really would like to establish a relationship with the kids I help.
I want more relationships with the people I help or the organizations that help those people.
I want more fun with the tournament and less work at it.
I don't need to seek PR. I am not running the Childrens Defense Fund. I don't need to make thousands of dollars each year.
I also don't need to be growing the organization.
How to incorporate this....????????????????????/////
Jeff I need your help.
Tonight I am sitting working on the tournament again. This morning I woke up and felt like vomiting due to the amount of things I had to get done and the little time between now and the tournament. Silent auction vendors to visit; lacrosse balls to buy; teeshirts to order; scholarship ratings to go out to those reading the applications this year; volunteers for the day of; referees; website to finalize; logo to finalize; press release to get out before the event; work to be done with the Democrat and Chronicle re: the ad; work with Jim Garnham re: the schedule and the program. And then there is the fact that John's mom had the audacity to die this week AND Sam asked me to go away with her and Doug the week before the tournament this year. AND 3 people who were here last year helping aren't going to be here this year...
And I am thinking that 1) this has taken on a life of its own 2) the life it has taken on is not one that I want to continue.
When does this event become an obsession used to replace the pit in my stomach that exists when I think about my beautiful blue eyed boy?
I really need to focus on what it is that I want to be Jeff's legacy --how can I best incorporate that into my life.
I love the game of lacrosse and I really want to support its growth especially in the city.
I want to help other kids but I really would like to establish a relationship with the kids I help.
I want more relationships with the people I help or the organizations that help those people.
I want more fun with the tournament and less work at it.
I don't need to seek PR. I am not running the Childrens Defense Fund. I don't need to make thousands of dollars each year.
I also don't need to be growing the organization.
How to incorporate this....????????????????????/////
Jeff I need your help.
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