I remember Helen's message on the answering machine the day Jeff died. I think it was Helen...maybe it wasn't. It was something about "not being able to wrap my head around...the circumstances that had taken place." I find myself again in that same situation...something happens and my mind tries to understand what is occurring but it can't. So it is like I am watching someone else have the experience...participating in it I know but not fully grasping it but rather watch and listening and knowing it is occurring but not REALLY knowing it is occurring cuz of the watching of it.
I had another conversation with Doug about his new job in the ICU. I had several conversations already with him that brought on the PTSD some. But over the past few days I had felt like I was getting a good handle on his new job and the fact that he was where he was and Jeff's death was years ago. And I am surviving Jeff's death and sharing with him his new work world in the Intensive Care Unit. Plus, it isn't a PICU...so that's good at least.
And he calls to tell me about his having "pronounced" someone for the first time. And I ask him about it and he proceeds to tell me about the 37 year old young guy who had a brain bleed. And he explains what it is and relates it to what Jeff's situation was...and what they did for the guy...and what they did for Jeff. And the conclusions has had drawn about Jeff's medical situation the night he died...
Then he goes and describes the organ donation people and the process that occurred there.
And I am sitting on my bed listening to him as I star straight ahead of me looking at the large picture of Jeff's face on a poster that his art class made for us. It is a photo of Jeff's face the exact size of his face. And around it are comments that the art class wrote about Jeff and the things Jeff used to say in class or out of class to them.
And Doug is going on about the organ donation team and how they didn't show up when they should have and the situation that put him in as the provider.
And I am back to the worse day of my life.
Only I can't just observe it from arms length like I am doing of the conversation I am having with Doug at that time.
Cuz I already lived through it -- am living through it -- and the hurt is exactly the same as it was at the hospital...
I have indeed wrapped my head around Jeff's death -- now to do the same with Doug talking about Jeff's death...
I had another conversation with Doug about his new job in the ICU. I had several conversations already with him that brought on the PTSD some. But over the past few days I had felt like I was getting a good handle on his new job and the fact that he was where he was and Jeff's death was years ago. And I am surviving Jeff's death and sharing with him his new work world in the Intensive Care Unit. Plus, it isn't a PICU...so that's good at least.
And he calls to tell me about his having "pronounced" someone for the first time. And I ask him about it and he proceeds to tell me about the 37 year old young guy who had a brain bleed. And he explains what it is and relates it to what Jeff's situation was...and what they did for the guy...and what they did for Jeff. And the conclusions has had drawn about Jeff's medical situation the night he died...
Then he goes and describes the organ donation people and the process that occurred there.
And I am sitting on my bed listening to him as I star straight ahead of me looking at the large picture of Jeff's face on a poster that his art class made for us. It is a photo of Jeff's face the exact size of his face. And around it are comments that the art class wrote about Jeff and the things Jeff used to say in class or out of class to them.
And Doug is going on about the organ donation team and how they didn't show up when they should have and the situation that put him in as the provider.
And I am back to the worse day of my life.
Only I can't just observe it from arms length like I am doing of the conversation I am having with Doug at that time.
Cuz I already lived through it -- am living through it -- and the hurt is exactly the same as it was at the hospital...
I have indeed wrapped my head around Jeff's death -- now to do the same with Doug talking about Jeff's death...
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